Excalicauldron: Transcending the Mirage - Issue #15
From Fullness to Void: Abundance is the perpetual act of being empty
This issue is unique among its predecessors in that nearly half a year has unfolded between start and end. It's also by far the most I've ever published here in a single essay, spanning three parts and thus too long for the email version, sorry! (Read when enough free time beckons lol).
Struggles with a sense of emptiness, grappling with success and self-identification, and contemplating my place in a world filled with inequality all reflect the complex explorations that helps me make sense of what it means to be human in a world shaped by technology and global connectivity.
Most significantly, as far as life changes go, this inner travelogue trilogy ends with a most unexpected outcome that - after months of soul-searching - I'm wholeheartedly saying yes to. Let's do this ❤️
TL;DR
Part 2-Me Reflection on Part 1
It's obvious that I find myself in a stream of consciousness that, with a turbulence that has become a regularity, continues to hurtle me towards a curious unknown.
As Lao Tzu reminds us, "We shape clay into a pot, but it's the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want. We hammer wood for a house, but it's the inner space that makes it livable. We work with being, but non-being is what we use. Existence creates benefit. Emptiness creates usefulness."
May emptiness enfold us so that we might free ourselves from the shackles of shape and the finitude of form.
Part 3-Me Reflection on Part 2
I don't need to reflect on Part 2. I can viscerally experience it at will, as if it happened yesterday. It was deep, at times dark, and while I knew at the time I was being emptied out so that there would be enough space to fill myself with life anew, it was nevertheless an excruciating process at times.
Also, I definitely couldn't have foreseen the significant, life-altering choices I'd make as a result of this refilling of my inner well. Be careful what you wish for, they say, you just might get it all. Having actively never wanted *all that*, turns out I'd been preparing for it my whole life anyway 🔮✨❤️
I'm happy :)))
Part 1: March 2023 - The Alchemy of Awakening: Pixels, Purpose, and the Pursuit of More
En route from Europe to Africa
'Tis a time of great change. As much in the world out there as in the one I call home, this one wild and precious life I continue to be gifted as a raw material. Invited to claim my sacred role as potter, blacksmith, sculptor. Carving out forms that offer me a doorway into meaning-making, presenting an infinitely replenishing buffet of experiences had and lifetimes lived.
As I write this, I'm 38,000 feet above some of the humans with whom I share this planet. I leave behind a continent that, as it meandered the often vicious course of its history, managed to rewrite even contemporary narratives for nameless, faceless citizens on far-flung continents that still bear the scars of plunder. A continent my ancestors - 12 generations into the past - called home before they left for another, is now a familiarly foreign place I'm allowed to visit whenever the powers that be stamp their approval.
Down below - this being the unfair advantage of temporarily experiencing space-time omnipotence - a distant desert city skyline dotted with electric light, enticing visitors to exchange the expansiveness of the skies with the entertainment offered by geographic containment in the new New (Old) World. A region that gave the world many of its gods now worships, like the rest of us, the deity-like powers of the power grid.
Soon this marvel of modern engineering that is my cramped abode for the next few hours will pass over some of the most impoverished humans on the planet, their riches fertile, mineral-rich land historically coveted, arbitrarily divided, and violently claimed by those who embodied a belief that everything worth having is worth having all of. Hundreds of years later, present-day geopolitics have sparingly moved the needle. Power persistently shifts hands from one set of globally self-interested factions to another.
As we make our way across the skies, the changing continents tug at my identity. Once upon a time nothing but the vastness of Pangea, a single entity that clung together in unity, I find myself in my very own Jurassic Period, chipping away at the tight cluster of self as I continue to drift into new directions.
This newsletter is a bit like an inner travelogue, documenting ebbs and flows of personal growth and transformation. It waits patiently for me to rise up to meet it, silent support reminding me that the door is always open - I simply have to claim the right to any one vantage point, even if climbing the summit is always an endeavour undertaken blindly.
Much has happened - and so much unhappened - since I last wrote here 1.5 months ago. The beauty and terror of life on the internet is that the digital footprints you leave behind tell tales of unshaken confidence in then-now's you iron-cast into form as though there would be no question as to their immortality. Documenting random pit-stops as I do in this publication aims to snapshot momentary me's into fully-fledged characters in own right. And it's important to anchor ourselves in our lives at any given time. What's less helpful is to fixate on any one manifestation of who we are.
So here I am. And here I am not. Like the dunes on the ground far underfoot, moving and rearranging themselves under the cover of darkness, I know where I'm headed geographically, but I have absolutely no idea where I'm going self-wise. It's scary. It's actually rather terrifying. But somehow, freeing - in fact, it might be the one freedom I've yet to fight for.
Part 2: May 2023 - Safari of the Soul: Landscapes of Luxury and Loss
Middle East
My visit to South Africa last month was a return to a void. A temporary reprieve from the world of work on a horse farm, surrounded by the land and people I love, juxtaposed with the harsh realities of a country in tethers. Poverty, unemployment, and crime joined by a national power crisis that plunges much of the population in darkness, generators and solar panels the new sign of wealth.
Staying in upmarket sea-view properties and welcoming my 37th birthday in the lap of luxury in the middle of the forest plummeted me into an existential depression about my place in the world.
Speaking at a conference in Cape Town about the role AI and blockchain can play in shaping the future of Africa - and the world - I asked myself if this was all there is to life: Me, a random (but highly privileged) human, building a career dedicated to making the future a place for ALL, all while having so much more than most of humanity on this planet probably ever will.
I bottomed out. So much of my life has been directional. Working towards a particular destination, loosely defined as "finding my purpose". In realising that, by most accounts, I've "found" it, it dawned on me that I never actually had a clue what I was seeking in the first place. I've always dedicated myself to contributing to global ok-ness. Utopia might be a pipedream, but surely raising the fundamental foundation for all beings on this planet must be an attainable goal.
And yet, I found myself so dreadfully disillusioned over the problematic complexity that typifies our global society that I was unable to appreciate my own journey. I scoffed at the irony of having shared my story of achieving location independence in an anthology of digital nomad moms, for it seemed that the more well-travelled I am, the unhappier I become, faced with the stark realities of my inherent privilege on a planet riddled with never-ending inequalities and injustices.
Dead across from my bedroom window lay Robben Island, where Nelson Mandela spent 18 years of the 27 years of imprisonment he sacrificed in the name of the greater good. Each day, crowned by the golden magnificence of a growing and dying sun, began and ended with the thought that unlike Mandela's unwavering belief in what he stood for, I had no frigging idea who I was anymore.
So many mountains I'd climbed, challenges conquered, dead ends transformed into beautiful new beginnings, and yet there I was - surveying all I'd accomplished and discovering that none of it filled me with any sense of joy or wonder any longer. I was faced with the harsh reality that it was never the fruits of my labours I revelled in, but the impossibilities of achieving them that had spurred me on. It had become the very essence of my identity, for better or worse.
But once I proved to myself that I could, each limitation that fell to the wayside meant I was casting off the very person I'd known myself to be. As a single mom - a young, teenage mom at that - I clawed my way out of every hole I fell into. With a now-teenager on the dawn of his own adulthood, I'd been holding my breath for so long that it took me ages to accept that we'd made it. That we're not only OK, we're doing great.
And yet, as I wrote a chapter for another book (on freedom-loving single moms), a story that made it crystal-clear to me that life's as good as it's ever been, I discovered myself all hollowed out. I'd unlocked the gateway to the abyss, and all I found was profound emptiness stretching into infinity. I've never felt as lonely. Surrounded by nature's breathtaking bounty, my soul felt cold.
The obstacle is the path, says Zen Buddhism. So what is the path when obstacles are no longer what defines me, I asked myself. I didn't have an answer, and it was apathetically petrifying.
"Maybe you are searching among the branches for what only appears at the roots."
When I left for Dubai, the prospect of spending a month in a landscape that reflected my inner world felt like a prison sentence undeserved. If South Africa's majestic landscapes couldn't lift my spirits, how much worse off would I be in a place where the only greenery to be found is the colour of cash.
And yet, the desert is where meaning returned. Forced to accept that everything had lost its meaning was the entryway into a freedom I never could've known was available to me. Alienated from the Nadja I knew, it dawned on me that this was the ultimate invitation to redefine my very sense of self, free from the self-imposed shackles of a lifetime of becoming.
As adults, we're so invested in who we think we are that we rarely stop to ask ourselves if our self-concept is a current one. My entire life has been a tapestry of rebirths, but none have been so profound as this one. To die and not be reborn into a precast die but, instead, be faced with that most formidable of artistic foes - a blank canvas taunting your creative block with its endless, unreachable possibilities...
“If emptiness is empty, how can something be borne or awaken from it?” asks Serbian poet Dejan Stojanovic in The Sign and Its Children. “If emptiness is endless, then everything rests in emptiness.”
The human brain doesn't cope well with emptiness. The very word inspires an instinctive fear response. Much of our lives are spent filling holes and plastering up gaps, stuffing ourselves with everything from food or TV, love to fleeting recognition, impulse online shopping or collecting used bottle caps. We're a species suffocating in our many addictions designed to drown out silence and the ever-looming trepidation of blank desolation.
In Buddhist philosophy, Sunyata (emptiness) is considered the fundamental nature of reality. It emphasises the absence of independent meaning in all things, seeing all phenomena - our self-existence included - as dependent on the interdependent, interconnected, ever-changing nature of all things. When we insist of a rigid sense of self, we deny ourselves the wisdom and compassion that emptiness offers. Attachment, as Buddha taught, is the root of all suffering.
The Heart Sutra, one of the most widely studied Buddhist texts and foundational to Mahayana Buddhism, states that "...form is emptiness and the very emptiness is form; emptiness does not differ from form, form does not differ from emptiness, whatever is emptiness, that is form."
There's a power unequaled in accepting the void, for the void is where we came from and to which we shall return. The in-between is the ride of our lives, but it's transient, and to defy the void's all-encompassing presence is a surefire way to incur the wrath of Zeus, Prometheus bound to a rock having his liver pecked out day after agonizing day.
The Sutra concludes with the mantra "Gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha," which translates as "Gone, gone, gone beyond, gone completely beyond. Awakening, so be it."
As we exchange one season of this year and of our lives for another, may we embrace the emptiness of form, and the form of emptiness. It's a gift that sets us free, from ourselves and others and all the spectacular highs and devastating lows of our aliveness in this world.
I'm writing this in Obsidian, my beloved digital brain that houses and sense-makes my organic brain. As I hyperlink the word "Emptiness", up comes a tag from 2021.
"Say something profound about space" I asked then-15yo Alexander while I was reflecting on the concept of spaciousness, looking for inspiration to direct my thinking. "The emptiness of space leaves space for growth," he replied. At the time, I wrote that this is spaciousness is about.
Two years later, I understand that it’s what emptiness is about.
Part 3: August 2023 - Desert Transcendence: The Uncharted Terrain of Potential and Rebirth
From (passport) home in South Africa to heart-home halfway across the world
This essay has been 143 days in the making. A perfect representation of Rumi's truism:
"What you are seeking is seeking you."
I'm tempted to say that the last few months have been significant, but I say that about all my months 😅 Life is a beautiful, if painful, process of discovery and growth, ever-infused with opportunities to heal (often while hanging out in the swamplands of the abyss). With that philosophy firmly embedded in my psyche, life doesn't have many dull - or uneventful - moments.
However, writing this issue over such a long period of time helps me see how I've been weaving a big part of my life tapestry with familiar, well-worn thread. That whereas I may have preferred to see each life area as a separate block that may or may not contribute to the whole, my embroidery is in fact a patchwork quilt.
After the dissolution of a challenging relationship that brought me to a resolve that ethical non-monogamy is the only way I can truly balance relationships with the nomad lifestyle I lead (famous last words, of course!), I was ready to have a great 2023 and 'live my best life' as the Insta kids say, focusing on work and creativity as my main priorities, relationships and my future sorted. (As if such conviction of the unknown and unlived ever comes to fruition with no details left unchanged😂)
And it came. Building a business is like raising a child: The work never ends, and nor do opportunities to grow as a company and as a founder. Building a company during a bear market has taught me more about business than years of plenty ever could, and I couldn’t be more thankful for lessons and resilience it’s brought 🙏
Also (if you’re following me on LinkedIn you might know this already), in addition to my role as co-founder at AdLunam, I’m now working on a Netflix documentary about the future of the internet and the evolution of the digital self 🥳 This ties together my decade+ work in technology and my passion for the psychological and philosophical underpinnings of what it means to be human in the 21st century. Where and how I’ll share about this journey is still undecided, but if you’d like to follow along, it’s bound to pop up between LinkedIn, podcast, and this sporadic newsletter.
However, since Life not only happens when you're busy making other plans but actively stirs up existential questions that lead to bona fide meaning crises, despite work and creativity highs, the past months saw me end up in places within myself that, as brave a bear as I know myself to be, I'd been fearing to tread for a long time.
Much like the ruling party in Orwell's 1984 decreed that all animals being equal, some are simply more equal than others, so too did my mind resolve a long time ago that since questioning the status quo is at the core of my nature, we might as well skip asking those questions for which the answers are earmarked as holy.
Certain questions, about my purpose, my relationships, and my future, were settled on literal decades ago and cast subsequent life decisions as characters in narratives I settled on even prior to becoming an adult.
So when I settled on 2023 being the year of embodiment, it wasn't because I'd read the fine print. The paradox of letting go is that we always bite off more than we bargained for. I'd agreed to opening myself to undergoing tremendous change with the unspoken agreement that it would go only where I wanted it to. A demigod directing the flow of the water. Not very wu wei of me 😂 Then again, one does not simply go about breaking ancient stone tablets until the story gets to that scene of the plot.
In reality, rivers flow where they may unless they're actively obstructed, and the tributaries I viewed as independent of the mighty waters that course through my life declared silently that if anything was going to be embodied this year, it'd be the 'untouchable' branches of my life each compartmentalised as separate entities, now uniting in a confluence, readying me to head out to sea.
I loathe those personality questions that tasks you to encapsulate your whole entire self as X, but if my life - an existence that, for better or worse (in the end ALWAYS better), is multifaceted, dynamic, and richly layered existence - was a river, it'd probably be the Amazon:
Connection to Nature: There's no better place to explore the mysteries of your mind, heart, and soul than to brave the mysteries of the largest forest on earth, anacondas and piranhas and all (but also river dolphins!)
Complexity: Like the Amazon River, my life has been full of twists and turns, with countless tributaries and channels representing its many different facets
Constant Movement and Change: Similar to the ever-flowing Amazon, I have always embraced change and constant growth
Rich Ecosystem: The Amazon is known for its incredible biodiversity, perfectly capturing the rich diversity of my experiences, interests, and relationships
Strength and Endurance: The river's long journey symbolises my own resilience and persistence in the face of challenges
Potential Danger and Risk: The Amazon can be unpredictable and dangerous, a necessary part of the role it plays across the continent, which reflects the significant challenges I've faced in my life and used as springboards for growth rather than let it stop me from being courageous and taking risks
Mystery and Exploration: I tap from life in all its forms a sense of wonder and exploration, much like the Amazon River runs through remote areas that aren't always seen as "useful" (to society and to capitalism and its pursuits)
So here is me, accepting that while the Amazon might have flowed in the opposite direction 145 million years ago, it's time to change direction. I'm still the same river, but like the rise of the Andes Mountains caused the river's flow to change from heading west into the Pacific, my life was always in the process of flowing east to the Atlantic...I just couldn't see it yet.
The mountains that arose, which I saw as mighty (and treacherous) cliffs I needed to climb and overcome in pursuit of 20-year-old goals, was in actual fact an invitation to connect to and reshape my water source (i.e. life fundamentals, this time made by Adult Me) and from there distribute my presence to people across lands as I make my way to the wide expanse of sea that connects me to the planet.
The shadow work reason I patchworked my life into many distinct pockets was because I wasn't ready to let go of the foundations upon which I'd shaped my life choices. 2023 changed that (and it's only August; what a productive time this has been 😆).
I am scared because I've said yes to entering doors that led to unknowns I never thought I'd want for myself. But I'm excited because those doors are being entered in ways I'd rejected until now as "not for me". Never say never, cos as it turns out, it might turn out to be some of the best decisions of my life.
With special thanks to my amazing moon goddess friend, whose psychonaut journeying I was honoured to share in recently, and the deepening of our blessed friendship celebrated during our time together in South Africa this month, which contributed greatly to the readiness of this issue💞
And to my very special more-than-friend, whose life path first converged with my own many years ago, and whose presence has since become intwined with my life in many key areas and has given me the courage to say yes to beautiful new things 💘
Life is a complex, multifaceted journey that requires continual adaptation, courage, and willingness to explore uncharted terrains. Catch you on the other side, my dear beloveds ❤️